just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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