my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
