you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
