i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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