it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
