Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dear god my vagina.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
