I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
