Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
