Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
