I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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