I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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