3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
