Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
