How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
