why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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