Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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