I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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