Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
