dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
