My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
