i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
