I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
