how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
