omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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