if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
