I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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