I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
