I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
