This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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