I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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