I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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