I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's blow job season.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
