just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
