chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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