Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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