all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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