So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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