I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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