Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
