i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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