I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
