The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
