Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
