walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We don't watch enough power rangers
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
