this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
