i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
