I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
