I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
