Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
