I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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