I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
