just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
don't judge my taste in strippers
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
