Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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